Ow

I put other people first so often, and other people put me first so rarely, that it's easy to feel powerless in my own life, and to get hurt by the thoughtlessness of others - and to have no recourse, because speaking up gets me punished.

The impulse to hurt myself that I often feel when I'm depressed comes not from a desire to actually be harmed but from a want to be able to control SOMETHING, even if it's just how I'm being hurt.

I've been deeply depressed for two weeks now, and I don't know what's causing it. I think I'm doing good job of faking happiness when I have to, and there are moments of genuine enjoyment, but in general I am sad and lonely in an unusual way this month.

I originally put this on Bluesky, but I think it's better here.